Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
