My nipple is on Facebook.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
