I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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