Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
