So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
