My sheets look like a crime scene.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
