So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
