Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
