Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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