You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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