quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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