He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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