Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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