I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
