mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think my vagina is haunted
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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