wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize