Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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