I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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