she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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