she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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