do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
