I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
