The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize