I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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