my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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