I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
