Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
