Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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