Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
