I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
