So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
