My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
