Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
