Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
