Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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