chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
