Can i not drive my cunt home
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
