We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
