Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
