I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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