I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
