at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
