i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need water and some morals
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
