woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
