The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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