I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
