i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
