I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I deserve this hangover.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize