when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
