come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
honey bunches of taint.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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