I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
