Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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