Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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