Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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