mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
BRING THE BAGELS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
