It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
