Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
