Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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