I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
